One of the habits I developed recently during the Eid holiday is to try out new coffee shops in my old town. Most coffee shops have a collection of old books that I often read while waiting for friends to arrive.
In my last visit, I came across a book titled ‘Not Fine and That’s Okay’ by Steff du Bois. The book attracted my attention, especially since it describes situations I come across very often in my clinical practice.
We live in a time where being ‘fine’ is more than a state of mind. It is an expectation and performance. This is why when asked, ‘How are you?’ The acceptable answer is almost always the same: I’m fine.
But what if you are not fine?
In his book, Steff du Bois challenges this unspoken rule. He reminds us that emotional struggle is not an exception to life but a part of it. Yet many of us have learned to treat distress as something abnormal, something to hide and be ashamed of.
In my clinical practice, I meet patients who believe that they should not feel depressed or anxious. This self-judgment can sometimes be more distressing than the original emotion.
The book’s central message is simple: it is okay not to be okay. But beneath this simplicity lies an important psychological truth. Acceptance is not resignation but the starting point of change.
Modern therapies, such as acceptance-based therapies, emphasise that resisting or suppressing emotions often makes them worse. When we tell ourselves, ‘I shouldn’t feel anxious’ or ‘I must stay strong,’ we inadvertently create an internal struggle, and our mind begins to fight itself.
By contrast, acknowledging our emotional state without judgment can reduce this internal conflict. Saying, ‘I am struggling right now,’ is not a sign of weakness but an act of clarity.
The book also describes the pressure of constant positivity often seen in social media posts and workplace cultures that tell us that we must be productive, motivated and resilient all the time. While these traits are valuable, they can become harmful when they leave no room for vulnerability.
Psychology tells us that human beings are not designed for uninterrupted strength. The nature of life is that we sometimes experience loss, uncertainty and fatigue. To expect otherwise is to misunderstand what it means to be human.
Acknowledging that we are not fine allows us to have genuine conversations with others rather than rehearsed responses.
Perhaps the most important lesson from this book is not about managing emotions but about redefining our relationship with them. Emotions are not problems to be solved immediately. They are signals to be understood.
This does not mean we remain passive in the face of distress. Seeking help, developing coping strategies and making changes are all essential. But these steps become more effective when they are grounded in acceptance rather than denial.
In my opinion, we may need to rethink the simple question we ask each other every day. Instead of expecting ‘I’m fine,’ we might begin to tolerate a more honest answer.
Because sometimes, not being fine is not a failure; it is simply the truth.
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