Mrs A was in her forties when she attended my clinic with symptoms of depression and severe sleep disturbance following a major argument with her husband. She described him as emotionally abusive and manipulative. After each conflict, he will send her to her parents’ home, block her on WhatsApp, and refuse to answer her calls, leaving her in prolonged states of anxiety and uncertainty. Weeks later, he would return, apologising and insisting that he could not live without her.
Mrs A gradually recognised that she was in an abusive relationship and even described herself as a battered wife. Yet less than a month later, she returned to her husband. This decision seems confusing and, tragically, very familiar.
According to the World Health Organization, around 30 per cent of women worldwide have experienced physical violence. The term ‘Battered Wife Syndrome’ is used to describe the psychological effects experienced by individuals, predominantly women, who are subjected to ongoing physical or emotional abuse.
Research studies suggest that factors, such as financial dependence, frequency of violence, fear of its escalation and history of childhood abuse, increase the likelihood of women returning to their abusive partners.
The question commonly asked about abusive relationships is not ‘Why does he abuse?’ but ‘Why does she stay?’ The question assumes that insight automatically leads to escape and that leaving is simply a matter of willpower. In reality, powerful psychological mechanisms, often difficult to see from the outside, sustain abusive relationships.
In abusive relationships, periods of cruelty are often followed by moments of intense affection, remorse, or vulnerability. The brain learns to associate relief and closeness with the very person who caused the pain. This cycle of hurt and reconciliation creates a bond called trauma bonding, which is emotionally addictive and reinforced by intermittent reward. From a psychological perspective, this pattern is more powerful than consistent kindness.
Blocking communication, disappearing after conflict, or threatening abandonment are not random behaviours; they are tools that destabilise the partner’s sense of safety. Over time, the abused partner becomes hyper-focused on restoring the relationship, mistaking anxiety relief for love. When the abuser returns, the relief is so profound that it overrides the memory of the harm.
Repeated attempts to change the relationship often fail, leading the individual to believe that nothing they do will make a difference. Leaving begins to feel impossible, dangerous, or pointless. The question shifts from ‘Why am I staying?’ to ‘How would I survive if I left?’
Many battered women believe, consciously or unconsciously, that they are partly responsible for the abuse. Admitting the relationship has failed may feel more painful than enduring its continuation.
It’s important to realise that recognising abuse is often the first step, not the final one. Leaving an abusive relationship is not a single decision but a process that involves multiple attempts. Each return is not evidence of failure but of how complex and emotionally binding these relationships can be.
Instead of asking why battered wives go back? We should ask what is holding her there and how it can be safely undone. The answer lies not in blaming the victim, but in understanding the deep psychological ties that make leaving one of the hardest decisions a person can face.
Dr Hamed Al Sinawi
The writer is a senior consultant psychiatrist at SQU Hospital
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