When positivity becomes a quiet form of harm

Toxic positivity refers to the tendency to prioritise positive thinking at the expense of emotional truth. It is the belief that difficult emotions should be minimised, reframed, or moved through as quickly as possible, often before they have been fully felt or understood. Unlike healthy optimism, toxic positivity does not make room for the full emotional experience. Instead, it places subtle pressure on people to feel better, rather than to feel honest.

In adult relationships, toxic positivity often shows up in small, well-intentioned ways that are easy to overlook. A partner shares frustration and is met with “Try to stay positive.” A friend expresses grief and hears “Everything happens for a reason.” Someone names burnout and is told “At least you still have a job.” These responses are rarely meant to dismiss. They usually come from care, discomfort, or a genuine desire to help. Yet they can leave the receiver feeling unseen, misunderstood, or emotionally cut off at a vulnerable moment.

For the person offering toxic positivity, the behaviour often stems from their own relationship with discomfort. Many people were taught, explicitly or indirectly, that strong emotions are overwhelming, unsafe, or unproductive. Positivity becomes a coping strategy. By reframing quickly, they avoid sitting with feelings that trigger anxiety, helplessness, or old emotional wounds stored in the body. The intention is often regulation, not invalidation. However, avoidance disguised as encouragement still carries relational consequences.

From the perspective of the person receiving toxic positivity, the impact can be quietly damaging over time. When emotions are consistently redirected rather than acknowledged, the nervous system learns that certain feelings are unwelcome or inconvenient. Over time, people may stop sharing altogether, not because the emotions disappear, but because the relationship no longer feels emotionally safe. Connection weakens, replaced by surface-level interactions, emotional self-censorship, and quiet withdrawal.

There is also a physiological cost. Emotions that are not acknowledged remain active in the body. The mind may adopt positive narratives, yet the nervous system stays unsettled and alert. This mismatch can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, chronic tension, or a persistent sense of being unsupported even within close relationships.

Handling toxic positivity begins with awareness on both sides. For the person offering it, the work involves building tolerance for emotional discomfort. This means listening without fixing, allowing feelings to exist without rushing toward solutions, and recognising that presence is often more regulating than reassurance. For the person receiving it, it can help to name what is needed and to ask clearly for listening, rather than advice.

At its core, this is not about rejecting positivity, but about restoring emotional honesty. People do not need to be lifted out of their feelings to feel better. They need to be met inside them. When we allow space for discomfort without trying to brush it away, something softens. The body exhales. Trust deepens. Relationships become places where truth can land gently, where emotions are not rushed or managed, and where being real is enough to belong.