Why do we take things personally?

Mrs M came to her therapy session a little later than usual. She looked upset, and when asked, she told me that her supervisor had commented on her work, saying that the report she submitted “needed more clarity”.  Although the comment was brief and professional, Mrs M couldn’t stop thinking, “Is my supervisor disappointed with me? Did I sound careless in my writing?” 

She described how her mood remained low for the rest of the day. She avoided chatting with her colleagues and kept replaying the feedback in her mind. When she got home, her husband asked innocently, “You look tired, is everything okay at work?” She snapped, “Why do you always assume I’m not doing well?”

Later that evening, guilt replaced irritation. She knew her husband meant well and that her supervisor wasn’t attacking her, but it still felt personal. She kept thinking, why did every bit of feedback sound like criticism?

From a psychological perspective, many people tend to take things personally. They could get defensive when a friend or a spouse gives them feedback, or even feel overly responsible for other people’s bad moods.

No matter what form it takes, taking things personally can create a negative impact on one’s emotional life and relationships. When we interpret neutral or constructive comments as personal attacks, we’re not really hearing what’s being said; we’re hearing our own insecurities echoing back at us.

Psychological theories explain that this tendency often stems from early childhood experiences in which approval equalled safety or love. Over time, we internalise the idea that mistakes or criticism threaten our self-worth. But the good news is that it’s absolutely something we can change about ourselves with practice and a bit of patience.

When someone criticises us or offers feedback, our minds often start bringing up stories like “they don’t respect me; I’m not important to them”. These unhelpful thoughts lead to more difficult emotions such as anger, shame, or sadness, and the vicious cycle continues. One of the ways to manage the initial emotional reaction of taking things personally is through emotional validation, which means reminding yourself that it’s okay to feel bad, even if it’s uncomfortable. 

You do that in three steps: notice, name and normalise, so when you feel a little angry after getting such tough feedback, you notice your feeling, name it by saying I am angry then remind yourself that it’s OK to get angry, as most people would feel the same in such a situation. This process sends a signal of safety to your brain, calming your nervous system from overreacting. As a result, you no longer need to take things personally, and it becomes much easier to let go.

So, the next time you find yourself overthinking a comment or replaying someone’s tone in your head, pause. Instead of analysing what their words ‘mean’ about you, take a moment to name what you feel and remind yourself that it’s human to feel hurt or anxious. With practice, that simple act of self-compassion can transform how you experience relationships — and yourself.

In my opinion, emotional validation is a useful technique to help you manage your emotions and prevent you from jumping to unhelpful conclusions about yourself based on a single comment.