Why do couples argue, and how do they heal

A few weeks ago, social media platforms shared the story of a man from northern Italy who decided to go out for a walk to calm his nerves after an argument with his wife, but the short walk turned into a journey on foot covering 450 km over an entire week. Without any plan or destination, he kept walking until he reached southern Italy, where the police found him exhausted and feeling cold. The police had to drive him a long distance back home. The man said that the long walk really helped him clear his mind.

In psychology, arguments are considered a natural part of any relationship. Whether it’s a marriage or a friendship, one can’t always be right in other people’s opinion. Some arguments are healthy and can help us mature and understand others, yet some can be damaging to the relationship. When it comes to married couples, psychologists suggest a few common factors that can trigger these arguments, such as personality clashes, differences in parenting styles, power struggles and financial stress.

While there are no studies on the most frequent cause of arguments, one can assume personality differences to be at the top of the list. This is because such differences appear early in the marriage and may take longer to adapt to, especially when these personality features are so prominent. Imagine living with someone obsessive with everything, the way you hold the steering wheel when driving, where you place your mug after drinking coffee, or what meal to have when travelling. Such a person would make it difficult to relax, as they would always be on edge.

Money is one of the most common reasons for disputes. Couples often have different spending habits and attitudes towards saving. Similarly, parenting can reveal deep differences in values. One parent may be more permissive, while the other is strict, leading to disagreements on discipline and education. Even small things like how to spend holidays can become flashpoints if underlying resentments are not addressed.

Research shows that how couples communicate during conflicts predicts the health of their relationship. Using criticism, sarcasm, or dismissive language can make small issues feel much larger. On the other hand, couples who approach conflict with curiosity and respect, listening actively, expressing feelings calmly and focusing on solutions often grow closer after disagreements.

Stress from work, family obligations, or health problems can affect the whole family. When stressed, partners may unintentionally use each other as “emotional punching bags”.

Movies and social media can trigger arguments by creating unrealistic expectations of the “perfect” relationships.

So, how can couples deal with arguments? Psychologists suggest simple techniques like taking a short break to cool down, agreeing on using “I” statements instead of blaming (“I feel ignored when...” rather than “You always ignore me” can reduce tension during an argument. Counselling or workshops can also help couples develop conflict resolution skills.

In my opinion, what matters is not the absence of arguments but the ability to repair after them. Like the Italian man who needed a long walk to reflect, sometimes stepping away and coming back with a calmer mind is the healthiest choice.