When a parent has a severe mental illness

Mrs A opened the door to my clinic and greeted me by bowing and saying, “You summoned me, my lord.” She sat in the chair opposite me with a big smile on her face. I could tell immediately that she had relapsed into mania again. Her son walked in behind her, looking very exhausted.

Before I could ask how she had been, she started talking about her different talents, how she could speak four languages and read people’s deepest secrets just by looking into their eyes.

Her son tried gently to explain the reason for today’s visit, but she cut him off, raising her voice and calling him a failure for being single and unemployed despite being 34 years old. When he tried to remind her that the visit was about her, not him, she became more agitated, shouting at him and eventually pushing him out of the room.

That moment reminded me of the struggle of the children of people with severe mental illness, which is often unnoticed. These children grow up fast because they have to become caregivers for their parents instead of being cared for. Some of them witness frightening behaviours, unpredictable moods, and even verbal or physical aggression.

Some teenagers avoid bringing friends home, fearing what their parents might do or say. They might struggle in school, not because they lack intelligence but due to stress, sleep disturbances, or emotional overload. When the marriage ends because “the healthy” partner walks away, the children become sole caregivers, adding more to their stress.

In some situations, the children blame themselves for their parents’ anger, sadness, or irrational behaviour and internalise this pain, which leads them to develop low self-esteem, anxiety, or even depression in adulthood.

So, what should you do if your parent has a severe mental illness?

The first step is to acknowledge that your parents’ condition is a medical illness, just like diabetes or asthma. It is not your fault, and you can’t cure it.

Educate yourself so you can understand the symptoms and how to deal with a crisis. Ask healthcare professionals involved in treating your parent and talk to other caregivers, either one to one or by attending support groups meetings this would help you ventilate your feeling among people who would understand and listen to you in a non-judgemental way and learn practical tips on how to deal with certain behaviours and how to care for yourself to avoid burnout.

If you experience anxiety, depression, or sleep deprivation, seek help from mental health professionals so you can get the proper support. Mental illness affects entire families, not just the person who has the diagnosis. As a society, we must do more to support the silent sufferers, especially children, who exhibit remarkable resilience in circumstances that many of us will never fully comprehend.

Behind the tired eyes of that 34-year-old son was a lifetime of sacrifice, sadness, and suppressed dreams. Let’s not forget these caregivers. Let us see them, listen to them, and help them thrive - despite the challenges life has handed them.