When parents are emotionally unavailable

A twenty-eight-year-old man came to my clinic with anxiety, being more irritable and unable to relax.

He told me that his wife gave birth to a healthy boy and despite his excitement about being a father he started feeling worried that he may not be able to be emotionally available for him.

When I asked what made him feel this way he explained that his father abandoned him and his mother

when he was five years old after his business went bankrupt and traveled to East Africa to avoid going to jail leaving the young boy to be cared for by his mother.

The father settled in Africa, got married, and had children but after 13 years decided to return to Oman when his prison order expired.

The son had mixed feelings about meeting the father he never knew after such a long time and had difficulty accepting what he called ‘father’s interference in his life.’

He had anger issues toward his estranged father but was unable to express them.

Recently I came across a book by the American clinical psychologist, Lindsay C Gibson “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". The book describes the psychological and emotional effects of having emotionally immature parents on adult children.

Such parents are usually physically present at the same house as the child but are often self-centered, unable to express empathy toward their children or meet their emotional needs, or intolerant of genuine intimacy.

Some parents are perfectionists and tend to interfere with every detail of their children’s lives, while other parents are passive having no interest in their children leaving all aspects of parenting to a more dominant partner who might feel overwhelmed with responsibilities.

These types of parenting lead to the children experiencing loneliness, low self-esteem, being unable to manage their emotions, or forming unhealthy relationships as if searching for a parent who would understand them and address their needs.

This is why sometimes people choose to marry a person who is much older than them, form unhealthy attachments with an abusive partner, or even have multiple relationships, or even end up emotionally cold to their children.

In her book, Dr Gibson provides real-life examples to illustrate the patterns of dysfunctional relationships that may emerge in such families. The book attempts to help the readers understand the effects of their parent’s behaviour on their upbringing and empower them to achieve personal growth and emotional healing.

The author provides practical strategies for setting boundaries, developing self-awareness, and building healthier relationships.

In some situations, the author suggests minimising contact with the parent or ensuring that you don’t go expecting too much or love, since you’ll probably just never have an emotionally mature relationship with that parent.

While the book provides useful insight and practical advice, we need to remember that each individual has his or her unique personal experience. Those seeking to overcome the emotional scars of their past may need one-to-one therapy to be able to forgive their parents who could not provide more than food and shelter or who may have been emotionally deprived themselves and focus on building a more fulfilling mature life.