Should I stay or should I leave?

One of the things I love about my job as a psychiatrist is that I often meet intellectual patients who talk about books they read and in doing so motivates me to read them too and possibly discuss the content during therapy sessions.

A patient recently told me about a book titled ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ surviving a ‘Relationship with a Narcissist’ by Ramani Durvasula.

The book describes the psychology of a narcissistic personality and provides tips on how to cope with a person. The author identifies two types of narcissism namely pathological and occasional.

Pathological narcissism involves persistent feelings of being better than others, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, while many of us can experience occasional narcissism, which takes the form of temporary feelings of inflation, like those experienced after a job promotion or social media recognition.

While narcissists often come across as attractive, charming, and confident, their negative traits include being self-centered, arrogant, and lacking empathy for others.

The author states that social media and the pressure to look fit and beautiful made the cosmetic industry one of the largest businesses around the world. This eventually made “superficial people” famous and labeled them as influencers based on their looks and physique rather than their personality and academic achievements.

At present, there is no treatment for pathological narcissism and people living with a narcissist should make up their minds if they wish to remain in the relationship or leave.

Sometimes it is not easy to leave because of children or financial insecurity or because the narcissist person is your parent. For those choosing to stay, Durvasula suggests managing their expectations and reminding themselves of their self-worth even when the narcissist attempts to diminish it.

To avoid the disappointment one experiences when sharing good news with a narcissistic partner who responds coldly, the author suggests that you share it first with someone you trust who is more likely to show interest and celebrate with you. In the case of bad news, which a narcissist person is likely going to blame you for or act indifferent, think of a solution first or consider not sharing it if it does not affect your relationship.

From my clinical experience, many people fail to recognise a narcissist, especially at the beginning of the relationship when you do not spend enough time with the person, and they can fake interest in you and show you some kindness only to trap you into loving them, which makes leaving them uneasy.

Some narcissists are very smart and manipulative as they study weaknesses in your personality and try to use them to their advantage. To avoid getting trapped in a narcissistic relationship remember not to rush things and to listen to your instincts when you see red flags warning you that the person may be a narcissist.

Do not be blinded by strong emotions and think carefully before committing to a marriage relationship. If the narcissist is your boss at work or your parent then it helps to establish boundaries and limit your interactions with them to avoid being subjected to constant manipulation.