Which ‘attachment style’ are you?

There are four different attachment styles and we all possess at least one of them. These are defined by how, as babies, we adapted in accordance to our caretakers fulfilling our needs.

Attachment styles are usually formed by 18 months which is an interesting time of development. The child is very perceptive but too young to have cognitive memories so these styles are implicit, which are body-based recollections.

The first style is ‘Secure’. Children grow up with reliable, emotionally intelligent and stable parents who are sensitive to their needs. They grow up feeling loved and understood whereby they feel free to express themselves. As adults, they are well-rounded people, who are emotionally available for others as they are for themselves. The epitome of possessing high self-worth and self-love.

The second style is ‘Anxious’. This style is inconsistent and unpredictable. The parents partially provide safety and security, yet also the complete opposite. They are irregular in their behaviour, usually due to their own instabilities and insecurities. Sometimes the child gets their needs met, sometimes they are completely dismissed which creates high levels of anxiety and uncertainty.

Another way this attachment style shows up is being characterised by a strong fear of abandonment and rejection. The child feels a heavy responsibility to take care of the parents and in turn s/he is often afraid of being alone. Adults can be jealous or suspicious of their partners. Such individuals can develop low self-esteem and need constant reassurance. To heal this style the person needs to learn a sense of self, understand their own needs and consistently take care of them.

The third style is ‘Avoidant’. This is where the child was physically and emotionally dismissed, had to figure out life on their own and felt extremely neglected. As the child grows up, their way of keeping safe is to create distance and avoid relationships. They are not accustomed to being nor feeling loved and find it hard to show love to themselves nor others. The way to heal this style is to lean into relationships and adoration. They need to relearn how to be present through doing inner work and understanding their feelings.

The fourth style is ‘Disorganised’ where the child experienced abuse. It is very scary as although the caregivers sometimes provide comfort, they are also a source of terror. This creates a lot of confusion in the nervous system. Often this person is in fight or flight mode and has a hard time trusting others. These individuals grow up to either hide from the world or can be very aggressive. They crave love and affection yet don’t know how to ask for it and when they get it, often push it away. Healing this style is dealing with the trauma by seeking somatic therapy.

We typically move between two styles which are malleable depending on the different relationships we have cultivated over time and the inner work we have done on ourselves. It is very possible that we can all move and stay in secure attachment.

I hope you have gained clarity and insight into some characteristics of your behaviour. Being equipped with this knowledge and understanding that your parents did the best they could with the resources they had available at the time, will allow you to better comprehend yourself. We stand in a much more empowering position acknowledging our past and when we understand what is needed in order to learn and grow, we will undoubtedly create a better future.

With a choice to enhance our mindset, this will enable us not hinder us and we will assuredly mature into wiser versions of ourselves.

Hyesha Barrett

coachhyesha@gmail.com

The writer is a life coach and a neuro-transformational coach