When a woman says 'no', it means 'no'. When she says 'stop', it means 'stop'. Silence does not mean ‘yes’. Unfortunately, on many occasions, when a woman declines advances, smiles often turn into frowns, and the perpetrator responds to her refusal as if she is at fault for not wanting to engage.
Why is it difficult to understand the meaning of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ when it comes to consent? In everyday relationships, physical or verbally inappropriate advances, including touching, stroking, or hugging to express interest, have been institutionalised. These actions mean harassment.
Women and girls, and occasionally even males, don’t talk openly about unwanted advances because society doesn’t accept the topic to be discussed. Cases may remain unreported due to the prevailing culture — victims often hesitate to press charges or testify, fearing repercussions and questioning whether they would receive the justice they deserve.
In societies where misogyny is ingrained, addressing the issues related to abusive interactions between partners or acquaintances is challenging. Think about culture, society and tradition. Culture encompasses art, music, philosophy and literature, but it is also mentality. Interestingly, talks on cultural sensitivity do not address offensive physical actions and unwanted social approaches. It primarily focuses on a frame centred around ‘Us” and ‘Them’, with the ingroup viewed positively and the outgroup viewed negatively.
Unwanted or inappropriate advances happen not only in workplaces or schools but also on streets, in restaurants, coffee shops, and, other public places. Low-key stalking, following women to their cars, staring non-stop, chanting things at them, or grabbing women’s hands are not acceptable.
Studies suggest that women invest significant time and effort in rejecting advances safely because they have a greater worry about adverse outcomes. While some women do speak up about their experiences, the majority stay silent — in part because of fear of retaliation. Women who challenge this type of behaviours might be labelled as "playing hard to get".
Society permits the occurrence of shaming, which involves criticising women and girls to embarrass them, alongside the tendency to blame and objectify bodies. Many of the same people who criticise also engage in inappropriate advances. There are situations in which offenders assume that girls wearing cosmetics, filters and Botox are to allure attention and consequently, approval for advances. Good looks are not a synonym for availability.
There is no shortage of stories. Acknowledging the actions and expressing discomfort, or using clear and direct language to let the offenders know that you are not interested in their advances, may not always work. Many women simply laugh off this behaviour, even if their safety is in jeopardy. It’s a defence mechanism.
A rejection may be perceived as a rewarding experience by the offenders. This can be ‘coffee shop talk’ with friends – peers’ praise is a powerful motivation factor – or escalate into retaliation or forms of stalking.
Some circumstances trap women and girls within societal structures. However, a dialogue must be initiated to highlight that it is unacceptable to grab or give little slaps in the backside of any woman because they aren’t complying with the offender’s desires. It is not OK to suggest that the problem solely lies with the women.
Choosing to disregard the issue or to behave as if it does not exist contributes to the problem. We need to talk about consent. The conversation should foster the understanding that consent is an agreement between participants engaged in some sort of activity. Consent means permission, approval, or agreement. ‘No’ is a one-syllable word with four letters that do not leave room for interpretation.
Readings suggest that individuals who initiate unwanted advances fail to understand the difficult position their targets find themselves in, so it is time to educate them. Education can advance a culture of respect and the importance of consent.
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