Recognising emotional instability in relationships

Miss A is a psychologist who is very passionate about her job. She was in her mid-thirties when a young man proposed to marry her. He had a stable job and came from a decent family, yet when they first met, she felt a little unease about him that she could not explain.
When she expressed her feelings to her friend, she was told that she is an overthinker and that she is letting her job interfere with her ability to form a healthy relationship. She was also reminded that, as a woman in her mid-thirties, her chances of getting married might gradually decline.
Miss A agreed to marry him, but the more they talked, the more uneasy she felt. He would text her constantly, expressing his love in intense and overwhelming ways. At first, it felt flattering, but soon, the tone shifted. If she did not respond quickly, his messages turned anxious, then accusatory. “Are you ignoring me?” “Did I do something wrong?” “You don’t. You don't care about me the way I care about you.
Miss A began to notice a pattern. His emotions seemed to swing rapidly. One moment, he idealised her, describing her as ‘perfect’ and ‘the only person who understands me.’ Next, he would become distant or irritable over minor misunderstandings. A delayed reply, a change in tone, or even her need for personal space could trigger intense reactions.
As a psychologist, she found herself trying to sense it. She wondered whether this was simply insecurity, perhaps shaped by past experiences, but another part of her felt that something deeper was at play.
Their conversations became emotional. When she tried to set boundaries, he experienced them as rejection. When she reassured him, the relief was brief, soon replaced by a new wave of doubt. She noticed herself choosing her words carefully, anticipating his reactions, and sometimes even avoiding honest communication to prevent conflict.
The relationship, though not yet formalised, was already shaping her behaviour.
At this point, Miss A faced a dilemma familiar to many professionals: when knowledge meets personal life. Was she “over-analysing,” as her friend suggested? Or was she recognising early warning signs?
Relationships with individuals who exhibit traits of emotional instability, such as those with borderline personality patterns, can be deeply complex. They are often characterised by intense emotional connections, fear of abandonment, and fluctuating perceptions of others. The partner may be seen as all-good one day and disappointing the next. Love, in such contexts, can feel both powerful and precarious.
It is important to note that individuals with these traits are not ‘difficult’ by choice. Their emotional world is often shaped by deep-seated vulnerabilities and past experiences. They may love intensely, but also fear loss intensely. This combination can make relationships feel like an emotional rollercoaster. However, understanding does not mean ignoring one’s own emotional needs.
The question, then, is not whether the young man was ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ It is whether the relationship, as it stood, was sustainable and healthy for both of them.
Sometimes, the most important skill in relationships is not analysis, but awareness. Not the ability to diagnose, but the courage to acknowledge what we feel.

Dr Hamed Al Sinawi The writer is a senior consultant psychiatrist at SQU Hospital