Are you over-giving or just avoiding guilt?

We often wear our generosity like a badge of honour. We tell ourselves we are being kind, selfless and loving - the kind of person everyone can count on. However, are you giving because you genuinely want to, or are you giving to avoid the heavy ache of guilt?
Over-giving can feel noble at first. We say yes when we’re exhausted, we take on more than we can manage, we put everyone’s needs ahead of our own. It feels easier to keep giving than to sit with the discomfort of saying no. Guilt is an emotion designed to keep us connected to others, which acts like an inner alarm, warning us that we might have hurt someone or let them down. Hence, why guilt can feel almost physical, like a knot in your stomach or a weight pressing on your chest, because your brain is nudging you to “fix” the situation and restore harmony.
Nonetheless, not all guilt is healthy. Sometimes we feel guilty simply for prioritising ourselves, for setting boundaries, for resting, or for saying no. This is often learned early in life. Many of us were praised for being “good” when we were helpful and compliant, but made to feel shame when we asserted our needs. As adults, we carry those lessons with us, so over-giving becomes our way of earning love and staying “safe” in relationships.
Think about a time when you said yes to something you didn’t want to do. At first, you might have felt relief as you avoided letting anyone down. However, later, a quiet resentment may have crept in, leaving you drained and frustrated. This is the hidden cost of over-giving to silence guilt, rather than giving from genuine desire.
When we give to avoid guilt, we are not truly connecting. We are trying to keep the peace, manage other people’s emotions, and control how we are perceived. This is not generosity; it is emotional bargaining. It keeps everyone else happy while leaving us running on empty.
Healthy giving feels very different. It comes from a place of fullness, not fear. When we give because we truly want to, there is a sense of warmth and expansion. We feel connected to ourselves and to the other person. When we give because we feel we have to, we often feel tight, small, or resentful and our body knows the difference long before our mind catches up.
This is where self-awareness becomes our ally. The next time you are about to say yes, pause. Notice what your body is telling you. Does your chest feel open or constricted? Do you feel grounded or tense? Those signals are your inner compass.
You are not selfish for protecting your energy, as saying no is an act of self-respect. The more you choose to honour your truth, the more space you create for authentic, wholehearted yeses. True generosity is never born from fear or guilt. It is born from love, and that love must include you first.