Aboard the singlehood boat

My friend Sara posted a question on her Facebook page, asking her married friends if it’s fun to have their own children? It tugged at my heart as I wasn’t expecting this question from bubbly, career-focused Sara.
Yet, this type of wondering crosses our and other millions of minds around the world who are — like us — passengers aboard the boat of singlehood. Sara and I were raised by a generation of mothers from the Gulf region who conditioned us to believe that coming from good families and being respectable is what secure future wedlock. All we had to do is sit and wait like they did before us (and ended up in arranged marriages that they had to carry through. Divorce was rarely an option). Yet, this relaxed perspective doesn’t apply to mothers from other Arab countries who treat matrimonies as art of war. Once their girls hit eighteen, mothers became generals who’d execute military strategies to secure marriages such as pushing their daughters to social events where they could be seen by potential husbands and future mothers-in-law (no money is spared on perfecting appearances).
Our generation was also brainwashed by rom-coms that installed the ideas of soulmates and love appearing out of nowhere. As we reached our thirties, the bubble burst and we had to face some awkward questions: why are we still single when everyone else is married? Why was it easy for them but not for us? It was time to seek answers from the traditional sources: books and the internet.
That’s when we discovered a whole industry feeding off our singlehood dilemmas, from self-help guides to coaching sessions. In books, all authors seem to deduce that singlehood is caused by two major factors: childhood traumas and being too nice as both lead to irrational behaviours that push away suitors. How to fix it? With therapy and learning to become selfish. However, nowadays social media is the new information source where millions share their own experiences on different themes related to relationships. But what’s concerning about these videos is that everyone is suddenly a self-proclaimed love expert and men are often described as misogynists, narcissists, or toxic (which made me wonder: whatever happened to nice men who used to be the norm of my generation X?).
Women are also warned of red flags that shouldn’t be ignored (eg: not being his type) and advised to be mean and indifferent as it is what makes relationships healthy and durable these days. Not to mention videos of ladies sharing their singlehood experience and encouraging it to stay happy and peaceful. Nevertheless, while single women are basking in their singlehood and creating movements to promote it such as the 4B movement in Korea, men are suffering consequently. In Europe and the US, it gave rise to Incels, an online subculture that promotes violence against women for failure to secure romantic relationships. Moreover, the emergence of male loneliness epidemic that’s plaguing the younger generation who lack friends and romantic partnerships and the increased rates of suicide amongst them.
Relationships in the age of social media seem impossible due to prolonged screen time, lack of empathy and misconceptions promoted by influencers who lack counseling and therapy experiences. As for my friends and I who passed the age of forty-five, we learned a few survival skills from being aboard this ship for too long: accepting our reality and cherishing the love provided by our families and remaining friends. But most importantly, supporting each other as nobody understands loneliness better than us. I hope Sara finds her inner peace soon. It makes the boat ride much smoother.

Rasha Al Raisi is a writer and the author of The World According to Bahja. rashabooks@yahoo.com