How childhood wounds show up in adult decisions

As parents, we make countless decisions every day. Some feel small, like what snack to give or how much screen time to allow, while others feel enormous: choosing the right school, deciding how to discipline, or balancing work and family. Yet, many of these choices are often not made from present-moment awareness. They are influenced by reverberations of our childhood, the wounds we carry, often without realising it.
The way love and safety were offered in our early years shaped the patterns in our nervous system. The brain wires itself around what it takes to feel secure and accepted. If love felt uncertain, we may grow into adults who strive for perfection, hoping to earn approval. If our homes were chaotic, we may cling to control as a way to feel steady. Those strategies helped us survive then, and as adults, they often guide the way we parent now.
This shows up in discipline. A mother who grew up with harsh punishments may avoid boundaries altogether, terrified of becoming the parent she once feared. Another, who grew up without structure, might lean into strictness as if order alone could protect her child. Neither response is truly about the child - it’s about the parent’s younger self, still trying to feel safe.
The same applies to emotions. If feelings weren’t welcomed in childhood, it can feel unbearable to sit with a child’s big outbursts. Shutting down in those moments isn’t about a lack of love; it’s about being pulled back into old discomfort. Or consider perfectionism. When achievement was the only way we felt valued as children, it’s natural to push our kids towards constant success. The belief that worth must be earned doesn’t disappear simply because we’ve grown up.
Even the most ordinary decisions can carry the weight of old wounds. Saying no to a school trip, hovering too closely at the playground, or pushing a child into activities we never had - all of it may be more about our younger selves than our children’s needs.
The truth is that none of us parent in isolation. We carry our past into every interaction, whether we admit it or not. Pretending those influences don’t matter only allows them to shape us unconsciously. The real shift begins when we pause to ask: whose voice is guiding this decision? Is it me, present and grounded, or my inner child, still protecting me from a hurt long gone?
Awareness itself is powerful. Research on intergenerational healing shows that when parents do their own inner work, their children benefit. They feel it in our nervous system, in our ability to pause, in the way we respond instead of react. A single moment of compassion toward ourselves can open the space to see what our child truly needs.
Parenting free from old wounds doesn’t mean perfection. It means choosing clarity instead of compulsion and setting boundaries without shame, encouraging without pressure, loving without fear. Every time we choose differently, we not only heal ourselves, but also change the story for our children.