“Loving too much” is a term used by Robin Norwood, a licensed therapist, to describe a certain set of behavioural and thinking patterns.
After many years of marriage and substance abuse counselling, Norwood identified similar patterns occurring in both such as: obsession, denial, lying and resentment.
She used the term in her best seller Women Who Love Too Much that was published first in 1987. As the title suggests, the book is about women who keep getting involved in unhealthy relationships that with time could lead to self-destruction.
The book contains many different case studies that Norwood used to prove her theory. Throughout the book, Norwood emphasises an interesting point of view: the relationship between children and their parents, is what children project later as adults in future relationships.
For example, if a woman grows up with a father that is unavailable emotionally, she’ll think that winning men’s attention is normal and later gets involved with men of the same character.
Also, women are more likely to get involved with substance abusers if they spent their childhood around a parent who suffers the same disease.
Norwood analyses and identifies patterns that occurs in each relationship, linking them to childhood and other previous partnerships. The book also includes interviews with men who get involved with women who love too much and their take on the relationship. The common trait that men seem to notice in these relationships is the women’s love to control or trying hard to change them.
Norwood associates this with the responsibility that women shoulder almost solely (especially in eastern societies) to make the marriage work.
In such societies, women are blamed for failed relationships and divorces, because “they didn’t work hard enough” or “didn’t have what it takes”. This kind of burden makes women almost obsess about the marriage, leading to unhealthy methods such as by trying to control the relationship with the husband and the children or by trying to change the partner.
Women think that by doing that, they’d reach the happy image that is created in their mind or demanded by society. When their efforts fail, women become prone to depression and physical ailment that Norwood describes as: “progressive disease of loving too much”.
Throughout the book, the writer emphasises the importance of having a healthy relationship where both partners are responsible to make it succeed.
Within the case studies, clients joined support groups of women who suffered from the same existing problems (eg: abuse or co-alcoholism) which helped them identify the problem and look for solutions that suited them (whether to stay in the relationship or leave).
Women are encouraged to stop being selfless and act selfish, when it comes to their happiness and well-being in any relationship. In the last chapter of the book, Norwood suggests a ten-step method that helps women who love too much to gain control of their own life.
The book had sold millions of copies and other parts followed years later. It’s easy to understand and relate to. While reading the book, the reader is forced to evaluate many marriages that he/she witnessed in their life time.
Relationships are dissected and the mechanics of it are explained in details. Misconception are blamed on culture, literature and media that created an impossible love model that many seek and try to imitate. If you’re a fan of psychology and self-help books, this book is an interesting read. But if you’re a feminists who believe in total equality between genders I don’t recommend it as women are victimised and men are always the reason for their agony (so stereotypical!).
Rasha al Raisi is a certified skills trainer and the author of: The World According to Bahja. rashabooks@yahoo.com
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